Dear Family & Friends,
After 9 months of waiting, praying, longing, hoping— little Ella is on her way home! We are overjoyed at God’s grace, but we also realize this will be a season of adjustment for our family. We know that each of you reading this letter has– in some way– supported, loved and prayed for us. Because we know your care for Ella and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around her to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation – emotionally, physically and spiritually.
In many ways, Ella will be like the children who entered our family through birth; we will seek to bring all of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few, initial differences in the way we have parented in the past.
We are confident of this: God’s design is PERFECT! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby – which teaches her that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother and father at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. Ella has experienced the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of her birth country. When Ella comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. She has not experienced God’s design for a family having lived in an orphanage setting. Her world is turned upside down. She may struggle with feeling safe and secure and she may lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs. The good news is that we can now, as Ella's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds.
The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that Mom and Dad are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Ella starts to establish this important bond, she will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships. Ella will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her at times, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. She may show her grief and confusion in many ways, and we are prepared to help her through it and prove that we are a forever family. You may also notice us tighten our circle a bit, stay close to home, and we may seem a little less available socially, for a while. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on our personal research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible.
The first is to set physical boundaries. We cannot WAIT to see some of you at the airport when we arrive home!! Keep in mind…It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Ella. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Ella should know that the people with whom she interacts are our trusted family and friends. She is going to love each and every one of you!! 
Another area is redirecting Ella's desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us (Brad and I) meet those needs. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually something that isn’t good for the child. To share this is difficult for us because you have openly loved on our other children and we have loved on yours as well, and treasure that connection. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Ella hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort.
Also, please feel free to ask us any questions at any time. We are learning, too, and are grateful that you are seeking with us to help Ella feel loved, safe, and secure. We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious Ella. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past year. We are truly blessed!!!
We look forward to seeing you all once we arrive home September 1st!!!
Blessings,
Tessa and Brad
And now a more satirical take on the matter...I borrowed this from a blog I love.
An Open Letter to Anyone We Might Encounter Post Adoption:
And now a more satirical take on the matter...I borrowed this from a blog I love.
An Open Letter to Anyone We Might Encounter Post Adoption:
In less than a week, we will finally be traveling to China to pick up our child. Here are a few things I’d like our family and friends to know beforehand. (And YES, I’ll probably be seriously tempted to pass this letter out among complete strangers as well.)
#1 We will be traveling from Huntsville to China, through the entire country of China, and then back to Huntsville. This will include several NIGHT and DAY time changes. We will be a #HotMess. Thank you for understanding! #WeNeedGrace #LotsOfIt
#2 Our new daughter will not feel lucky. In fact, for her, this will most closely resemble a kidnapping. We are ripping her away from everything and everyone she has ever known. This will be incredibly traumatic. It will be worth it.
#3 Trauma is expressed in different ways. My children may appear distant, hyper, angry, autistic, overly friendly or perhaps, perfectly fine. The child you see now, will not be the child you see in a few weeks, a few months, or a few years…
#4 She will grieve. My heart already aches for her and this part of the process.
#5 We will wonder “what were we thinking” at least once during our pick up trip. Our friends and family are all lined up for this. “Adoption isn’t something you do alone.” -Joleigh Nicole #ittakesavillage
#6 We might not connect right away. #FakeItTilYaMakeIt
#7 Our first goal is attachment, not discipline. #Redirecting
#8 Hugs & Kisses: They may be legitimately terrified of you, please be respectful of their boundaries.
#9 Establishing family is important: for the first few months we will be entering what is known to the adoptive world as cocooning. Basically, we will be limiting visitors and becoming temporary homebodies. #Weirdos
#10 Another big part of establishing family means that: we’d prefer (for a little while) that only Mama and Daddy meet their needs for: food, comfort, etc.
#11 Our new daughter is biologically 4 years old. However, she have grown up in an institution and will be “delayed.” This is normal; we are OK with it, and you can be too.
#12 Speaking of delayed…we also plan on “regressing,” as much as she will allow. This will look really odd to the rest of the world; however, regressing allows children to experience all of the stages of development they missed. FYI: We may use a bottle, spoon feed, rock her to sleep, co-sleep, play with infant toys etc.
#13 Our main goal for the year is attaching, connecting and learning some English. I don’t know when she might catch up, and frankly, it doesn’t matter. She will get there, when she gets there.
#14 With that in mind, our daughter may look different than yours for several years. Please remember, their journey is unique. (And thank you for being a part of it!)
“I always questioned if I was ready to adopt and then realized that no child was ready to be an orphan.” -Unknown
Signed,
Mama Bear
